DANGIT

I didn't go home this weekend. I seriously thought about it. I wanted to vote - and now I can't. I'd vote for McCain if I could though - in case you were wondering. When Allison decided to go home this weekend because she's attending a candlelight ceremony and a wake, I almost went with her. Dangit I should have. But I probably wouldn't get my homework done if I had. Oh well...

I have homework to do this morning - and right now it's hard to start because Miss Mindy is sleeping still. I decided that I will watch the OC when I do start my homework today :) thank you.

I take my car in on Monday afternoon. I get a rental for the week. I want to go somewhere kinda far so I can drive it :) hehe.

I wish my shoes fit and felt the way that I want them to.

man oh man. life.

tid bit of my fall break :)

and again we say goodbye.

I had to say Goodbye to Alex again early this morning. I dropped him off at the airport at about 10 minutes to 7:00 this morning.

Every time we have to say goodbye, which by now has been at least a dozen times ( I might be exaggerating but I highly doubt it by much ) , I cry. Today, I started crying as soon as my alarm went off and as I'm writing this, I'm crying again! When I got home from dropping him off, I started crying while watching Friends and when Violet texted me. What has gotten over me this time ?? I guess the fact that it is going to be another 7 weeks until I see him again (December - whenever school is done)

One thing to look forward to though is seeing him December and never having to say goodbye again! (Except when I fly home for Christmas for like a week :) And for that, I will celebrate!

It also means I will no longer live in Illinois, at least for a while.
And 6 months from Saturday, WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!

um.. weird?

I'll write more about my fall break when I get back to school.
Blahhhh! Class @ 8 tomorrow!

questions asked....

Jess and Morgan had some great questions in their comments on my last blog! HAHA! Well, let me answer those for you :)

If he gets his antelope today, (he's really hoping he does because he has to go home today) he is not going to eat it and neither would I if he even decided to keep it. He's going to give it to a guy he knows and his wife - because they like antelope I guess. Alex does not like to eat antelope and says that I probably wouldn't like it either. I guess it's pretty tough and has a real gamey (is that a word because people use it all the time - haha!) taste. Therefore, he is just going to give the whole thing away (except the horns - he wants to keep those).

HOWEVER! When he goes elk and deer hunting in November, for about 2 weeks right before Thanksgiving, he will most likely keep at least some of that. I have never had elk before, but I bet if it were made into ground meat (I almost said beef but no no, it's elk, not cow) I would probably like it because you can put it in stuff - like tacos and such, and you wouldn't be able to tell what it is. Kind of like Deb putting venison in our tacos :) You can't even tell what it is. At least, I'm never able to. But we'll see. That would be a lot of meat for two people (1 entire elk and 1 entire deer). But I would like to try elk sometime so we'll see if he gets his! Haha!

I hope that answers your questions :) See how much I'm learning from Alex just because he's from Montana :) Haha!

alex :)

Alex comes on Thurday. And he is staying until next Wednesday. I am so excited and I can hardly stand it!!! I haven't seen him since August - yeah, it has been about 8 weeks since the last time.

I have class all week obviously so hopefully the time will pass quickly. He is hunting today. You know, antelope. Kinda like cantaloupe. He was excited when I talked to him last night. Hopefully he gets his today so he can go home. Otherwise, he'll stay there and go again on Tuesday to get it. Then, pretty much when he's done with all that, he'll be here!!!

We're going to go on a date either Thursday when he gets here or Friday. We're going to hang out with my Dad and Violet. We're going to go visit my Grandpa for a little bit, too. We're going to go to the Morton Arboretum and take our engagement pictures - finally! :) We're going to the Bears Game on Sunday!!!! We also have our first premarital session with my pastor on that Monday.

I'm sooooooooo excited for him to get here! Ugh I hope this week goes soooooooo fast! Until Thursday that is, and then it can slooooooooow down :)

oh David Letterman.

This video just made me laugh - granted I am really tired.. it might make you laugh, too :) Just thought I'd share before I went to bed.

Not a Christian?

It honestly doesn't matter.

Yesterday, Wes and I talked a lot about this and we both decided, as Wes put it, "it's a load of crap."

We first started talking about a girl that he may or may not like.. the fact that she's good looking and all that - however, is not a Christian. I told him... "well that's a problem, so it looks like there's good and bad." He agreed with that statement. But as our conversation progressed, I started talking about Alex.

Now Alex, I know he believes in God - but he's at the point right now where he struggles with it. He doesn't know where God is because he just simply doesn't 'see' Him like I do. I told Wes that I know from experience that it is a struggle to date someone (or be engaged to someone) who is not necessarily a Christian. That yes I think he believes in God, but our relationship is not progressing in any way in that general direction (of God). That right there is a struggle for me because Alex and I struggle alone with just simply talking about God. I told Wes that you can't force your opinion on someone (I can't make Alex believe or see what I see - he has to see it for himself). Wes agreed with that, too and added that it just takes time, it takes living with someone and it doesn't matter if your "not at the same spot." I completely agree with that entire statement and Wes made me feel good about it when he said "I feel for you."

I then continued to tell him that I think the fact that Alex is not completely 100% grounded in his faith... or really anywhere near 100%... is just more of a challenge for me. I feel as though Alex challenges me from the other end of it. He is not going to be a pastor or a missionary - at least not right now and probably not anytime soon (which I am 100% okay with!) - so he doesn't challenge me in my faith in that way like 'most christian couples' do. Instead, Alex has so many other questions (like If God is really up there and cares for me, why am I sick? - or - Since God healed all those people in the Bible with a miracle, why can't he listen to me when I ask him to heal me?). Honestly, I don't know the answers to those questions, and I don't know if I ever will find out those answers. However, what I do know is that those questions challenge me to find the answers, and to seek the answers through my own prayer life. I believe I have grown closer to God in the last year just because I have Alex. Alex may not go to church and he may not read his Bible on a regular basis and he may not attend a Christian college anymore, but because of him, I am closer to Christ. I also think that through my growing relationship with Christ, and my constant dependency on Him, my relationship with Alex and Christ will fall into place when it is supposed to. I also think that Alex came to LCC and that Alex and I met for a reason.

One other thing that Wes and I talked about was about how so many people 'judge' those who date someone 'outside of the faith' or even just someone who isn't at the same spot as you are (much like Alex and I). I do, almost on a regular basis, feel as though I am judged in some way because Alex is not a super strong Christian. That is when Wes said "I think that is a load of crap!" I couldn't have felt more comforted about this situation any more than I did in that moment. Finally someone understands!

I thought it was kind of funny because later last night, I brought this situation up to Mindy and she asked the question, "So it Alex isn't really a Christian and that doesn't scare you?"

And I know Mindy didn't mean anything bad by that, but, Alex is a Christian. He and I are just at two completely different places in our faith. And I have prayed about it and thought about it and have talked about it and know that it really isn't a problem. I know where God is in my life and I know the power that he has and that he has a plan for Alex's. That is what keeps me going :)

Thank you, Wes, for being my friend.

Don't Vote.

Morgan and Jess both posted this, but I thought it important to do the same. And it's pretty funny, too!

Also, this is the first year that I can vote, and I am voting!

making out.

It's so much fun. I just love the fact that I have Alex; I can make out with him any time I want :) I just love that. (And even better than that, he loves me, too :)

However, I can't actually make out with him when we live like 22 hours apart. That's stupid. Ah!

I'm watching The OC right now - where everyone makes out all the time, wondering, why is Alex not here right now? :(

Dang it!

i loved today.

I just love my Pre-K class. They are just so darn cute; I want to take them all home! There are 19 total in the morning classroom - lots of little bodies running around! I colored a picture of a pumpkin.

Today seemed to be ABC day; everyone wanted to sing them! So very cute if you ask me. Little Shryia, an ESL student, sang them almost perfectly! I was so proud of her - I had never even heard her talk until today!

Samanvi, another ESL student, decided that out of the red, yellow and green apples that we tried today, she liked blue the best :) I'd have to agree with her ;)

Teddy, a student with signs of autism, sang his ABC's too! Except, it went like this: OOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO IIIIII OOOOOO OOOOOOO OOOOOOO! I agree with him too, everyone else must just not know how to sing them right ;) He zipped his jacket all by himself, too!

Today was also picture day so everyone was very proud to show off their smiles!

Chesney's mom made sure to tell us to make sure that her braids were in front of her shoulders for her picture. I kept an eye on that and made sure that happened of course!

Jamari came a little late because he had to get a hair cut just because it was picture day.

Colin followed me around again today (probably because he wants to marry me :) haha!

Hailey was practicing her cutting today. She decided she needed to take all the little tiny pieces of cut up paper home to show her mommy what she learned to do. I'm sure that was greatly appreciated :)

Today was a good day at school! I can't wait to have a class of my very own someday!

The Forever Prayer Vigil

I just spent an entire hour praying; I prayed for the campus, the students, the faculty and staff, the community, the unity, the spiritual warfare and my own life. I sat on my bed, with my Bible and the piece of paper with all the ideas for things to pray for during that one hour that I signed up for. I picked Monday @ 2 p.m. Why? Because there was no way that I wanted to get up at 3:00 a.m. and pray for one hour when I could be sleeping. Selfish much or in need of my rest? Oh, probably both.

I think the idea of the prayer vigil is a wonderful idea to really get the campus filled and showered with God's Word and God's love. I mean, I'm sure at some points, people forget that they signed up for a time, so for that one hour, there is nothing going on. I don't think that's a bad thing by any means, but maybe that person then makes it up later (when, at that time, two people might be praying at the same time.) However, could something happen in that hour, something horrible, just because someone forgot to pray? Oh, probably.

But if you think about it, this prayer vigil is only taking place in a one week span of time. That means that all other weeks, there is not usually someone praying for our campus and it's needs. Does bad stuff happen then? Oh, probably.

I believe that prayer really does change things; otherwise, why would we even do it or believe that it works? 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 specifically says, PRAY CONTINUALLY. What the heck does that mean? Well, obviously it means that we are to be in constant prayer with God. What the heck does that mean? Well, obviously we need to always be talking to him and thinking about him - that's what I think. That's what I mean by the forever prayer vigil. But, that is mighty hard to do when we have homework to do, blogs to write, people to talk to and places to go. God also says "Because your love is greater than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands." Psalm 63:3-4. Everything that we say and everything that we do and everything that we think is supposed to be glorifying to God - praising to God. How come we don't always do that? It's hard, I will definitely admit to that. But I think it can be done. I think we need to have a Forever Prayer Vigil - but I don't think it needs a sign up sheet. We need to live our lives worthy of the one that made it worthy to live. We need to always have God in our thoughts, heart, words and actions. This is something that I have been working on in my heart since school ended last semester, and continue to strive towards that goal and that lifestyle. Can we do that? Can I do that? Oh, probably :)

oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy

Is it wrong to question your feelings? Am I even questioning my feelings at all? I love Alex with my whole heart, that's a for sure thing, but why do I feel distant from him sometimes? And most of all, why do I consistently - night after night - have dreams about other guys? I honestly think I really do know why.

My body, my mind, my soul - they are deprived of that physical touch.

I mean really, dreams - do they mean anything at all?

I highly doubt it. I think it might have to do with multiple things on my mind. What do I have on my mind? Well obviously making out with Alex. Ha! And since the boys in my dreams are all LCC boys (except for one I think) they must just be on my mind because I see them all the time. So, to put two and two together, I dream about making out with other boys.

That means nothing. I know it can't. I know how I feel about Alex and I know how Alex feels about me. I just hate being apart from him. Some people might say that it is a good thing - and it might be a little because all we can do it talk (like when we're having a disagreement). And of course, we aren't tempted with everything physical. However, there's more to it than that. I think when you are in a relationship, no matter who you are, you need that physical touch. You need hold their hand, you need to hug them, you need to feel that closeness. And I think that is 100% natural. You love that person. You want to be close to them and feel their love for you.

Or maybe that is just me. I don't know but that is how I feel.

If anyone were to ask me for advice about whether to enter into a relationship when they know it is going to be for long distance - my first question would be, how long is it going to be for?

I would definitely say that I have really gotten to know Alex, and he has really gotten to know me. Like the real Alex and the real Megan. I love that. I think way too many people rush into things not even knowing what to expect or what to do. I would say that Alex and I are really, really ready for marriage. We have talked about sex, we have talked about kids, we have talked about debt, we have talked about budgets, we have even gone to see a financial counselor about our debt. Most people don't even think about doing that. (Which is why most all of America has some kind of outstanding debt!)

I am proud of Alex and I.

I think we are a very mature couple and are ready for what is to come in our futures together! I just wish we were together right now. Fall break will come soon enough, though! And hopefully December comes just as quick. Then, we'll never have to say 'goodbye' like we do now. I truly do believe that he is my soul mate though - and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

I think we compliment each other very nicely :)

That's all I think I have to say about that. Thank you for listening :) HA! (Sorry for the awkward ending)

Oh and PS! We're going to a Bears game on October 19! WOO!

flushed.

I dropped my phone in the toilet tonight. Not a smart move and I'm not too happy about it. Still works though, except some of the numbers. Stupid. Just stupid. That's all.

Tomorrow came late.

I now officially know the reason why I'm scared, why I'm scared to write a blog. A blog is totally different from my journal. It's like my journal has a lock on it - which no one dares to touch or even open for a second. A blog on the other hand, it really is just open to the public. Anyone can open it, anyone can read it, anyone can judge it.

But I have decided that there is nothing to be scared of. No one can judge what I do, what I say or even what I write. It's all my own; therefore, it is unique. I don't have to compare it to anyone else's writing because it's mine. However, instead of being intimidated by other people's writing, I can use other people's writing as inspiration.

Inspiration -
a. a divine influence directly and immediately exerted on the mind and soul.
b. the divine quality of the writings or words of a person so influenced.

There is no need to feel scared or nervous about silly things like this. I have really just realized lately (really I knew all along...) but that I get so nervous about confronting someone or asking someone to do something for me (really just having no confidence in myself whatsoever). I really am just scared that people are going to look at me funny or think something about me that really probably is not even true.

Now I'm just babbling. I think you got the picture.

Having a roommate now (one that I actually love :) has really helped me to "be brave" - like Jess often tells me to do. Not only am I excited to grow closer to Mindy and get to know her on a different level than I already do, I can learn to be more comfortable with myself and be aware of the feelings that I have - and that they really do matter to other people. Also, since Jess is no longer at LCC, I have started to realize how much it is worth to keep up the awesome friendships that I have, that I now have to try harder with Jess because she isn't across the hall anymore. (Although, the random text messages from her telling me that she loves me and misses me is always a great encouragement!!) And when I move to Montana, I will have to do the same thing with each one of my friends. It is going to take more work, and phone calls! in order to keep my forever friends :) Never in a million years would I want to lose any of these girls that I have come to know since coming to LCC and I know that I am going to grow even stronger just because of the extra effort I have to put in! And really, it makes me nervous, but I know I can do it! I have confidence in me!

I think this blog is going to be a good thing. Nothing hard. Nothing scary. I can talk through everything I am feeling (much because typing is a lot faster than writing) and not be nervous of what other people are going to think when they read it (especially my friends). This is who I am. I have feelings, just like everyone else on earth, and they are real. No need to hide behind them.

Well, this was fun and I am going to continue doing it. Thank you for listening and staying with me until the end. They may only get better with time.

mmmkay!

I think I have much to say, but no time to say it. Tomorrow will come soon enough :)

here i am again

As you can see, I really am ridiculously awful at writing.. at least on a regular basis. I have decided, here and now, *(September 6, 2009 @11:21 p.m.)* that I will be writing in this here blog at least once a week or something like that. At least on a regular dang basis! So! Tomorrow is when the first real life blog will come - dun dun dun! I am so ready for this! Until then...

i can't tell you why.

I have had this blog since the beginning of the school year. I made it because I thought journaling my thoughts, hopes, dreams, aspirations, etc. would be good for me. However, I never once wrote in it because I was too afraid of what people might think of me... or my writing. I can now finally say that I'm not afraid anymore. My thoughts are my own. And I am not afraid anymore about what you might think of them. Therefore, I will write. And you may read if you'd like.

More to come...